Most days I don't post things on my blog because I don't have any photographs i'm exicted to share. I used to have the excuse that I didn't have a camera but then I bought a new one and it sits mostly unused in the camera bag.
I used to make time each day to write out whatever i was thinking about or feeling or what the family was up to. I have started several things but i never finish them. Perhaps one day I will just post them.
I just don't feel the need to share it anymore. I used that have people that would anxiously wait for each post, or at least that's how it felt because I knew that they would read and comment and encourage me and spur me on to keep going.
I have lost a lot of people I used to have. one thing i have learned is that not everyone you want is meant to be a part of your life forever. I never imagined i'd ever leave Valley View and here it's been over 3 years and I still haven't found a place I want to go to each week. My bruised up heart is getting stronger but the hard shell that has developed around it has kept a lot of things out....and in.
every once in a while something sneaks through and I feel free and optomistic again but it's rare. I have been reminded again and again lately that these things are gifts we are given and our gifts need to be nurtured and participated in. You have to work it and build it up (and heal it if necessary which usually means resting)
I am in the rebuilding phase. My foot is still sensitive and i have twinges of pain from time to tim but I am running again. In fact, today, I went to the sac and fox trail and ran 3.25 miles. I also ran there on New Year's Eve.
It's been interesting to revisit that old friend. I was reminded today that the trail has never let me down. Even though it holdasome of my most painful times, the most healing has happend there. Memories are bound to pop up and it's ok to spend time with them and remember. Your legs won't let you stay there long and something new to think about comes along.
The trail, though i've shared it with many people I love, will always remain my dearest friend because the trail understands. It knows all of my secrets, my sorrows, my joy and my true self. The trail never lies to me. Or makes promises it can't keep. It sees me at my worst and yet welcomes me in as if i'm the only girl who matters.
My hand is getting stronger each day. I go back on Wednesday for my progress report. I have to reach certain numbers before I can be released from therapy. The swelling has gone down a lot, thanks to the compression glove and probably because it's getting stronger. I am trying to be more aware of how i use my hand. I'm also trying to remind myself TO use it! As I helped carry groceries in today i was reminded that there was a long time i couldn't even use my hand. That sucked! Talk about feeling wounded.
Man it's interesting to allow myself the time to think about all of this. I am very thankful for how far I have come. It was a dark valley but i'm climbing out.
Matt gave me the best possible gift for Christmas. I have to admit i wasn't thrilled when I first found out about it. He had to order it online and it wasn't set to arrive until after Christmas. I was doing my puzzle when it arrived. There was a picture on the box of a little make up table. huh. Where the heck am I supposed to put that!
A few years ago, I decided to go through my stuff and I filled 3 big bins with sentimental things. These bins have sat in my room, taking up all this room but i just arranged the furniture around them so our actual living space was limited but we only really use our room for the bed so i didn't think we needed a ton of room. Over the years, the spaces between the bins were filled in with more crap and since my health issues started i've just been stacking stuff instead of putting it away.
It was out of control. It didn't help that i've been sick since the day after Christmas with a cold and then stomach problems Monday night and Tuesday. I wasn't looking forward to having to finally clean that room. So yeah.... Merry Christmas- your gift requires a crap ton of work to be able to use. Whatever. I tried to be enthusiastic about it. Matt said that i comment all the time about missing having a desk in my room so i can sit and do my make up. It's nice to know he hears me and plans accordingly. What a guy!
I had to work on Friday and I was surprised with a text message at about 1 o'clock with a photo of the make up table put together and against the wall in my room! WHAT! I was pretty nervous about how he moved all that stuff and afraid it would all be piled up in the hall or the bed for me to have to deal with when I got home from work.
I was so impressed with all of his hard work! There was still some things to do but i was able to pitch in and start helping and it made me realize how much I MISSED helping! Yay, hand! We even moved the bed and vacuumed under it so we CLEANED our room and it felt so good!
I was excited to start setting up my space! Matt busied himself with Netflix and I slipped into the bedroom and started my own movie, While You Were Sleeping. It's one of my favorite movies and i haven't seen it in a few years. I know it well enough that i can have it on and be able to enjoy it without having to watch it. I set about arranging my makeup and lotions. I have 5 drawers! I LOVE drawers!
As i was working i was zoomed back to a memory of 19 year old me. My brother and I had just switched rooms in the basement. Ashleigh and I had been in the little room dad made for us when she was born but it was getting much too small as she was getting bigger and Matt was hardly ever home to need a big space. I got a TV for Christmas that year. a 19 incher. I had it set up on my dresser much like my tv sits now (only mine now is the 45 inch flatscreen I won from a photography contest). I remember arranging Ashleigh's stuffed animals on the old coffee table I had covered with a soft blanket I got from sears portrait studio where i was working. Same movie played on the tv as I felt like i was "on my own". Setting up my own little space.
Here I am, 21 years later, setting up my own space once again! When the weight of the "gift" Matt gave me finally hit me, I couldn't hold back the tears. He didn't just buy me a make up table. He gave me a space.
A space he knows I need to nurture those gifts that have dulled over the last several years. Sometimes I wonder if i will ever feel as understood and loved as i once did and then something like this happens and i'm reminded that most often the things we think we need are not what we really need. I am beyond blessed to have a husbnad who loves me enough to really love me like i need to be loved.
Now, here I sit, writing all of this. He is a pretty smart guy and I love him.